1. The Five Minute Massage - This is a great technique if you need a little help getting in the mood. Alternate with your partner on massaging his/her front or back. For example: you start off massaging your partner's front for five minutes. Your partner returns the favor. Then you do the same thing for the back. It's the best investment of twenty minutes you can ever make in your love life.
2. Show and Tell - None of us are mind readers. You need to show your partner exactly what you like, how you like it, at what speed and intensity. Simply put: masturbate in front of each other. Not to mention, for many people, it's a great turn on to watch or be watched. Which reminds me...
3. Make Sex a Whole Body Experience - Sometimes we make a bee line for the genitals and never leave. Not that there's anything wrong with paying lots of attention and time to that part of the body. But it's also a great idea to spread the sexual energy all around. Explore every part of your partner's body. Leave nothing to chance. During or right after orgasm you may even want to run your hands from your partner's genitals throughout his or her body in order to spread the sexual energy. And speaking of other parts of the body...
4. Oral Sex: A Full Body Experience - Let your tongue wander. Again, don't let the genitals be the sole target of attention.
5. Who's In Charge? - Alternate on who initiates sex. One of the top male sexual fantasies is for a woman to be sexually assertive or confident. In other words she's in charge. Done all the time, that can get old, so take turns.
6. Fantasy Exchange - Have the courage to reveal your inner most fantasies. And while you're at it, encourage your partner to reveal his or hers. This can be an exciting and erotic addition to your love life. But remember, sometimes a fantasy is just that, it doesn't mean you have to or even want to act it out. Some people don't want to enact their fantasies. Can they really match your sexual dream? After all, you are the star, writer and director of your fantasy. Reality can rarely match that. In addition, your fantasy might be frightening to you partner. So, what to do...
7. Virtual Fantasies - Let's say your favorite fantasy is to have sex with a third person in bed with you and your partner but your partner finds that uncomfortable? Well, use your imagination. Pretend there's a third person there. You and your partner can describe the way that person would look and what he or she would do and what you would do. Much of the fun without the complications...Remember: fantasies are a wonderful dress (or undress) rehearsal for lovemaking.
8. The Eyes Have It - Try keeping your eyes open during lovemaking. It might intensify your connection - emotionally, physically, and spiritually -with your partner. Which leads me to ...
9. Keep Your Attention On Your Partner - Try to keep your focus on the person you're being intimate with. You might find that it makes all the difference in how you and your partner feel about sex.
10. His Secret Erogenous Zone - Did you know that at least 30% of all men find their nipples an erogenous zone? Same thing with that area between the anus and scrotum. Unfortunately, some men find it threatening to be touched there, as if were a threat to their masculinity. Gently touch those areas, gauge the reaction and proceed from there.
11. Joys of Toys - Traditionally, sex toys (vibrators, dildos, feathers) have been the domain of women. Men are beginning to see what stimulates her clitoris for example could just as easily pleasure his penis. Some men feel threatened by a woman who seemingly falls in love with her vibrator. They fear that they can easily be replaced by that electric gadget. There's nothing wrong with a woman coming to orgasm with a vibrator, but she should make sure that her partner is part of the process, perhaps by asking him to caress, kiss her or hold the vibrator for her.
12. Bored In Bed? Get Out of Bed! - We can get in a rut by making love in the same way and in the same place. Try any room in the house or the backyard for that matter. But if the bedroom is your principal place for lovemaking, make it a special place... keep flowers, oils or anything for your sacred space.
13. Having Trouble Expressing Your Feelings? Hit the Road - Dr. June Reinisch has a great idea for talking to your partner about sensitive issues. Do it while driving. After all, you're both looking ahead (without eye contact, it's often easier to express your feelings) and since you're in the car, it's not likely that one of you is going to run off that easily.
14. Lights On - Since so much of sex is about visual stimulation, why do it in the dark? Studies show that men for example love watching oral sex being performed on them.
15. Intercourse: It's Not the Only Game in Town - I sometimes think we're too intercourse oriented. It's a wonderful way of expressing your sexuality, but let's face it, it takes a lot of effort and time. Some people work so hard and have so many responsibilities, that they skip sex because of the time and energy commitment. So let's broaden the definition of sex to include things like mutual masturbation or solo sex with your partner holding you or caressing you. If we're too intercourse oriented...
16. We're Too Orgasm Oriented - Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with orgasms. But we seem to make it the end all and be all of sex... as if some how we've failed if we didn't climax. It seems we need to focus more on the journey than the destination.
17. Sex Is a Voluntary Sport- Never coerce, force or pressure anyone to do something that they don't want to do. That being said, take a risk in trying something you've never done that is mutually agreeable.
18. How To Criticize Someone In Bed? Don't! - Let's face it, we all feel a little (maybe a lot) vulnerable when it comes to sex. Positive re-enforcement will go a long way in getting your lover to do what you need. Say something like, "I love it when you do that to me." Instead of complaining about what your partner is doing (that is unless you're being hurt or abused), tell him/her what you like.
19. Reach Out and Touch Someone - Have phone or computer sex with someone you love. You might find that it's easier to say what turns you on when you're not face to face.
20. Have Fun - Sometimes I think we get so clinical about sex, we forget that it's supposed to be fun. It's adult playtime. Do what ever you and your partner think is o.k. to put some joy in your lovemaking - dress up, dress down, use restraints, whatever, just enjoy!