here are some samples:

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
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A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all -money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, 'Honey, my hands are freezing!' She says, 'Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.' After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, 'Man! my hands are really freezing!' She says again, 'Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.' He does, and again that warms them up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, 'Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!' She looks at him and says, 'For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?'

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Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the
flu, but he'd done so well during the year that
the teacher suggested to the principal that they
gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he
missed. The principal agreed so they called
Little Johnny into the office and explained to
him what they were going to do.

First the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a
cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Little Johnny replied, "Legs."

Next the teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you
have in your pants that I don't have in my
pants?" Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Finally the teacher asked, "Johnny, what is
the capital of Italy?" Little Johnny replied.
"Rome."

The teacher turned to the principal and asked,
"What do you think, should we pass him?" The
principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got
the first two wrong."

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Why are men like a snowstorm???

You don't know when they'll come, how many
inches you'll get, or how long they'll stay.

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An American and a Japanese were sitting on the
plane on the way to LA, when the American turned
to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of "-ese"
are you ?".

The Japanese, confused and replied, "Sorry but I
don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of "-ese" are
you ?".

Again, the Japanese was confused over the
question.

The American, now irritated, then yell, "What
kind of -ese are you ?? Are you a Chinese,
Japanese, Vietnamese, etc..."

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I'm a Japanese!".

A while later, the Japanese turned to the American
and asked, "What kind of "-key" are you ?"

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What you mean
what kind of "-key" I am ?".

The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a
Yankee ?"

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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

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A man sitting at the window one evening casually called to his wife, "There’s that woman that the guy next door is in love with!"

His wife, in the kitchen, dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where?" she demanded.

"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."

"You idiot! That’s his wife!"

"Yes, I know," the husband grinned.

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A man went to visit his friend and sees a strange
machine in the middle of his living room. He
asks, "What is that?" His friend replies, "It is
a sex machine." " Oh, how does it work?" " Just
stick your dick in, insert a quarter, and it will
jerk you off!" So the guy immediately wants to
try it. The friend says ok and tells him he is
going to get a drink of water from the kitchen
while he does his thing.

Suddenly the friend hears a loud shriek. He runs
back and asks, "What's the matter? Did you insert
a quarter?" The guy says, "I didn’t have a
quarter so I inserted a dime!"

"But for a dime, it only sharpens pencils!"
replies the friend.

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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

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One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle said, ’Polish Remover’?"

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A lady walks into the Gynecologist office and
says, "I have a problem. I have extremely big
pussy lips. I'd like to get an operation but
don’t tell anyone because I am embarrassed about
my problem." The doctor agrees and gives her the
operation.

The next day while sitting in the recovery room,
she gets three roses delivered. She runs to her
doctor and says, "Doctor I thought I told you not
to tell anyone. Who sent me these roses?"

The doctor replies, "The first one is from me
because I felt sorry about your problem. The
second is from the nurse who had the same problem
you had. The third one is from the guy upstairs
in the burnt unit thanking you for his new ears!"
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If you came upon Bill Clinton struggling in a
raging river, and you had a choice between
rescuing him or taking a prize-winning
photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

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